I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
