Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
