Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Randomize
