there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
