i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Randomize
