I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
