I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
