you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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