Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize