I just pynch a tree in the face
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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