I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
