Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
