no, he came in my armpit
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
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I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
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My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
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