You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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