WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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