So drunk its hurt
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Pants are for mortals
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
