You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.