We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
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