i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess