you would pick up someone in the library
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
