Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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