I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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