Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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