I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
