my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
