a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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