I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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