I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
