At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
