What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I will pee on everything he values.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
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