I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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