What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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