I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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