you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
i think my cat just said my name.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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