So drunk its hurt
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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