you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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