I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
