When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
