I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
