Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Randomize
