If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
