I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
