I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
