He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
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You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
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I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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