And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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