she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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