cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
