Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
