Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
