I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
