I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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