Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
