I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
