he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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