just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
