its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
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