I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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