can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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