Life is so much better after having sex.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
pray to the hookup gods
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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